|
This Morning Put Salt in my Coffee
I�m used to being the single girl. That hasn�t changed. I�m not necessarily single at the moment, but I still carry with me my single girl mentality. I still know what drives/drove me crazy about my coupled up friends and I still know how lonely it can feel when everyone in the world pairs up and you are the last person to be picked for a team. I spent the majority of my life up until this point being that last person, those memories and that feeling doesn�t just disappear overnight. I spent the last 5 years of my life conditioning myself to become the person I want to be in a relationship. I have no desire to lose myself completely. I have no desire to wrap myself up so completely in one person that I lose everyone who has been important to me up to this point. I never wanted to be a part of a relationship that didn�t include a healthy circle of friends and varied outside interests. As I felt myself growing up and getting stronger and becoming more comfortable with myself as a single person and the idea of myself as a part of a couple, I grew more and more excited about the idea of someday meeting someone who I could bring into my life and share with my friends and they�d all get along swimmingly and we�d grill burgers in the summer and go skiing in the winter (even though I do not ski) and we�d all be one big happy family and life would be good. So you can imagine how much it sucks (and hurts) right now that I have met someone who makes me happy and who I get along with swimmingly and my closest friend in the world wants nothing to do with him, or me, and certainly not us as an entity. I didn�t see this coming. I wouldn�t have even guessed at it. I have no idea how to handle it. I am certain that I have done this to friends of mine in the past, and sometimes I just got over it on my own and sometimes I think the friendship just sort of unraveled from there and life moved forward. I have never been on this side of it. I am doing my best to make sure that I do not make her uncomfortable. I am going to great lengths to make sure that I�m not rubbing this in her face. I don�t even talk about it at home anymore, but I can�t tell if that makes things better or worse. I am frustrated and annoyed. Hurt and sad. It�s not fair. I haven�t done anything to deserve this and there is nothing about this situation that I have to be ashamed of or sorry for. I miss my best friend. I�m so disappointed in her. I�m so completely baffled by the personality change. At the same time, I need to get over it. I can�t keep scurrying nervously around my house every time he�s there because I�m worried about upsetting her. I can�t hide him away from her. He�s a part of my life now. The house we live in is mine. I will not make apologies for things I do not have to be sorry for. I really just hope that this all evens out in the end�that maybe some time and space is all it needs. We shall see� In other news, I had a big weekend. Contrary to my friends who have chosen to behave like assholes (for the most part) about my new dating status, the boy�s friends have chosen to be excited for him and for us. So, I met them this weekend. I think it went well. It�s a little difficult when you know you�re being held under the microscope. I wish people would pass out grades in those types of situations. Shelly: Attitude � A-, Talkativeness � B, Friendliness � B+, Sense of Humor � A. Something like that. At the very least, it would give me something concrete to offer up as proof when I make such bold statements as �I�m the golden girlfriend� to people who have known me long enough to get away with rolling their eyes and laughing at me. As if crossing the friends hurtle wasn�t stressful enough, I also took on the family this weekend. In the hour before we met his family for lunch, I was pretty sure I was going to die. Obviously I handle stress well. Amazingly � it went off without a hitch. It was so comfortable, in fact, that it seemed a bit unreal. The boy�s family could give my own family a few pointers on how not to freak out new people. By Saturday night I was so exhausted I barely made it to bed before passing out. I work well under pressure, but it clearly takes its toll. Yesterday I spent the day not watching movies and running to the store. I met some old friends out for an early birthday dinner last night and by the time I got home (at 7:30 p.m.) I was completely tapped. I had a brief and polite exchange with my roommate before plopping on the couch in front of the Grammys and promptly falling asleep. So now�Monday. Valentine�s Day. A potentially lethal combination. 8 million people want to know what I�m doing for Valentine�s Day and all I can tell them (and you) is that I have no idea. Possibly nothing. Probably nothing. It�d be nice to spend it together, but it�s nice to spend any time together and we just had a weekend. So I have no expectations. I am content with what I am given. I�d suggest, internet, that you take the same approach to Valentine�s Day in the future. It�s remarkably stress free. That is all. |
NAVIGATE
new
|