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I Used to Run in Circles...
It�s difficult to find anything to write about when things are going well. There�s so much that I have to say but every time I sit down to write it I can come up with a million different reasons to not broadcast this stuff to the internet. I had forgotten how complicated these feelings could be � I�m happy and excited and I want to share it with the entire world, but at the same time I want to continue holding it close to me and protect it from whatever lies in wait for it. It doesn�t help that I shared this diary with him, so confessionals I make here now, are also to him and while it�s generally easier for me to write about these things than to talk about them, I want to be fair. I don�t want to use this journal as a way to communicate with him. I don�t want him to have to come here to find out what I�m thinking or how I�m feeling because even though it makes me nervous to say some things out loud (and my speech pattern becomes peppered with �like� and I stutter and repeat myself in a way that can only be described as idiotically charming) � I like that I have not been afraid to say them. I like that the lines of communication have had no limitations and if I have something to say to him, I�ll just say it (well, eventually) and vice versa. I am not interested in developing a crutch now. I don�t want him to stop reading and I am not at all sorry that I shared this diary with him. That said, I�m ready to come clean. I met a boy. He is wonderful (even despite, and oddly, sometimes because of his penchant for sticking his foot in his mouth). Most days it feels like I�ve known him forever and I forget that we�re still new and fragile. Other days I can feel nothing but how fragile we are and it�s terrifying to me how quickly something new became something familiar and my world is slowly turning upside down in a way that makes me happier than I have been in a long time. So, it�s pretty scary. It�s the best kind of scary, but it�s scary nonetheless. It�s scary the way it shot through my entire body the first time he reached for my hand in public. It�s scary how easy it was for me to laugh through our first movie disaster together (which resulted in the suspension of my movie picking privileges as, it turns out, Boogeyman is NOT the scariest movie ever). It�s scary how natural this all feels and how not scary it all is even though it absolutely should be. How typical of me to be scared of not being scared. So that is where I am. At the beginning of a grand adventure. Happy. Hopeful. Excited. Nervous. Vulnerable. And knocked directly on my ass by all of this. And kids? You�ve never seen a smile like this� |
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