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Justification
People don't always understand why it's so important to me to have time to myself. I have a hard time explaining sometimes why I would choose to bail on family events and spend the entire day and night at home alone with my dog. Sure, I spent an inappropriate amount of time playing with my Sims today, and watched the "Thriller" scene in 13 Going on 30 more times than I feel comfortable admitting but the real reason came about 15 minutes ago when I picked up my long neglected written journal and started writing. I forget about the writing process and how it takes me over when I put pen to paper. This journal is different - I censor too much and generally pick and choose what I want to share with the internet. When I write for myself - things emerge that I'm often not even aware of until I see them on paper. I've been carrying around a lot of stuff lately - that's no secret to anyone really. What I didn't realize is how it was kind of a secret to me. I mean - I bitch and moan all day long about how sad I am about my gramps being sick and blah blah blah - but I never really dig into it. I dug into it tonight. It's a little overwhelming and I don't like everything that I see, but I feel good about digging into it. I feel like it's an important step. I'm terrified, fucking terrified of what the next few months will bring. Most days I blow it off and focus on the minutae of everyday life and that, my friends, is how I get by. Every once in a while, however, I need to check in and deal with the real emotions going on underneath and that's why these periods of solitude are so important to me. Some days...I think I need to justify my own actions to myself.
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