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Falling off Cliffs
I feel as though I'm about to jump off a cliff. No - I feel as though I will fall. I can mentally prepare for the fall as much as a person can for this sort of thing, but in the end the outcome is unknown. I looked around me today and realized I would be okay. I know I will be okay. The net of people who love me and want me to be happy is tightly woven and unbreakable. They may not be able to stop me from hitting rock bottom, but they will make sure that I will surface again. I'm not afraid of the end result. I am afraid of the fall. I don't know when I started worrying so much. I can't pinpoint the moment when mortality became a reality. Now I worry about everything from my fish to my dog to my mom to my grandpa to myself. There is rarely a peaceful moment. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was the worst. My grandpa was so sick. He was in the hospital every week. He always went in on a Wednesday and since then, if my grandparents aren't home on Wednesday afternoons - my stomach drops. I always check. Every time the phone rang my heart lurched into my throat and I felt constantly on the edge of panic. Now we are here again. I spent several hours this weekend sitting outside in the warm sun, my hands and feet in the dirt, music pumping in my ears, soothing my heart and mind. It's the only respite from this anxiety that I have found. My grandparents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. My grandpa fell in the bathroom this past week. He has two large scabs on his face as a result of this. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I saw my 9 year old cousin look at him today. She looked so afraid and so confused. She couldn't stop staring and she stared at him like he was a stranger trying to give her candy. I know my cousins don't have the relationship with my grandpa that I do. I know that I know him better, I've known him longer. I wanted to hug her and shake her at the same time. "He's not a stranger! He's not scary! He's my hero! Stop staring at him like that!" My grandma finally cut the tension by telling my cousin that she and grandpa got into a fight and she punched him in the face. My cousin has no idea how scary this is. She has no idea how sad it is. There is so much going on right now. Reality is slapping me in the face at every turn. In six months I will not be the same person. I will be okay, but I will not be the same. This is a blessing, I know. I also know, however, that I will not be able to appreciate that fact until sometime in the future. Nothing happens without reason. Everything happens to encourage growth. Growing hurts. Growing is also its own reward. This is life. Emotional turmoil aside - the weekend was perfect in a way that I needed it to be perfect...I'm muddling through this. It's probably not entertaining - but it's real. That's the best I can do right now. Listening To: Pastures New by Nickel Creek. If ever you feel the need to feed your melancholy - this is the song.
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