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He uses humor as a defense mechanism. I recognize it because I do it too. I suppose that�s why I was able to laugh at his jokes about camel spiders and scorpions, and the fact that things just seem to be careening out of control, as though he�s the star of some National Lampoon movie about war.. If we didn�t laugh, we�d probably burst into tears, and that would just be unacceptable. "I realize that I�m reaching for the bright side here," I say. �There is no bright side,� he interrupts. �No. See, there has to be a bright side. Otherwise, what�s the point?� My naivete is sweet, he tells me. I bristle at the words and we both know that if he were sitting right next to me I�d swat at his head and tell him to shut up. When left to my own devices I tend to be anything but optimistic. I see the dark side of everything and when I close my eyes it�s the worst case scenarios that run steady loops through my brain. My feet are planted firmly in reality and I�m not trying to sell sunshine to anybody. I know, however, that despair will get me nowhere and that�s not what he needs right now anyway. I�m trying to be strong, and I�m hoping that he�ll be able to take some of that with him. There�s not a whole lot else I can do for him. I�m not good with words. I know people would argue that, but the truth of the matter is that I�m usually winging it and I�m usually cringing at what I hear coming out of my mouth. "Is your designated role that of Captain Obvious tonight?" he asks me, his voice teasing and affectionate. "Shut UP! God. I know I'm not saying what I need to say the right way, but I also know that you're getting what I'm saying even if I'm making a mess of the whole thing." I haven't said anything important and I know, by now, that I'm not going to. The shortwiring that occurs frequently between my brain and my mouth has cut in and I'll say "Oh my God" so many times I'll start hearing the Minnesota accent in my voice and I'll let that distract me from the fact that I'm worried and I'm scared and I know that what he feels when he closes his eyes at night would break my heart. "Take care of yourself kid," he says. "You more." Listening To: "Either Way" by Guster Reading: Samaritan by Richard Price. I love it. It didn't suck me in like the last one did, but it wasn't difficult to get into either. It's a good mystery/suspense with plenty of twists and turns. Good times. Good distractions. Recently Saw: I was all pumped up about watching Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer on TV last night but then my phone decided to ring nonstop and - well - these things were important. So I only saw bits and pieces of it. Pity, that, because it's my favorite holiday special - even though it's kinda bad. Childhood memories and such. I get all nostalgic and whimsical.
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