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Silent all these Years
I am hearing impaired. It would be nice if there were some identifying characteristics for those who are hard of hearing. If I were completely deaf, I would sign - and that would be a dead giveaway. I am not, however, completely deaf and I don't know how to sign. There is nothing about my physical presence that would suggest to you that I might have a hard time understanding what you say to me - particularly if you are soft spoken or if you have a tendency to mumble. I was born like this. Both of my middle ears are all shot to hell. My left ear, in particular, is a little bastard. The eardrum collapsed when I was 14 and it has had to be reconstructed and/or patched 3 times since then. I haven't had more than 25% hearing out of my left ear since, perhaps, grade school. I've always been reliant on my right ear, which is the quirky underacheiver ear. Most of the time I can hear at about 75% out of my right ear, it's fairly reliable and comparatively low maintenance. Those who have spent considerable amounts of time in my presence know that it's best to walk and/or sit on my right side whenever possible. It is because of my right ear that I can (usually) get through life without having to deal with communication problems. Usually. I began having problems with my right ear shortly after I moved back to Minnesota. It has been chalked up to congestion from colds or something of that nature, and it seems to come and go with the change of seasons. When it's hear, I am a bona fide hearing impaired person. I hear nothing. If you're not facing me when you talk - you can forget about me understanding whatever it is you're saying to me. If you mumble or are soft spoken, be prepared to repeat your statements until I have you practically yelling them into my ear. And forget about talking to me if you're not in the same room as me. Even if, by some miracle, I can hear the tone of your voice, there's not a chance in Hell that I'll be able to decipher what you're saying to me. I may ask you to repeat yourself once or twice, but after that I'll just get quiet until you come out and say it to my face. I don't like to draw attention to my problem. I don't like being yelled at. I don't like exasperating people with what I am incapable of doing, and frankly? I can probably live without knowing whatever it was that was so unimportant to you that it didn't merit a face to face conversation. Of course, it is this attitude, more than anything, that gets me into trouble, particularly at work where I am even more loathe to draw attention to myself. I often smile and nod at people who speak fast and in low tones to me from across the hallway. Often they have asked me a question that I have failed to answer, or told me something at which I was supposed to have a reaction. They look at me funny, shake their heads a bit and eventually just walk away a little stymied. I, of course, feel like a complete jackass. I know how I appear to people. I know they think I'm flakey and weird. I know I'm not flakey. And - well - I'm a little weird, but not in the way that they think. With this closing of the ears has come a stronger case of tinnitus than usual. There is always a dull ringing in my ears when things go quiet (which is why I sleep with a fan or radio on year round) and lately, the ringing has turned into a rushing noise - almost the noise of a car turning over in the dead of winter. It's loud and it's distracting. It's also not unusual for those with damaged inner ears (like mine). I once asked my doctor if part of my hearing problem couldn't be linked to the degree of tinnitus (which always seems to get 3 times louder when they clamp the hearing test headphones on). He assured me that the one had nothing to do with the other. I wish I could explain to those who have never experienced it what it is like to have the constant toneless ringing as a background to your life. The tinnitus may be the most reasonable explanation for my obsession with music (and I do have an obsession). When the music is playing, the ringing disappears and so I've sought to fill my life with music. Or something. In any case - I'm toying with the idea of getting a hearing aid. Of course, I haven't consulted with a doctor yet (the 6 month check up on my last surgery is coming up), but if all else fails, I think I'm ready to suck it up and go for it. I'm a little afraid of what it will mean for me - to have a hearing aid at the age of 26 (as in, what will my hearing be like when I'm FIFTY-six?) but I'm tired of not being able to hear and I'm tired of being the weirdo at work. I'm not vain enough to worry about the aesthetical drawbacks of having a hearing aid, but I do admit that I've been secretly hoping that this would all work itself out on its own. So - I suppose - in the future you can look forward to my adventures as a premature geriatric. Rock. Listening To: The new Dido CD that I got in the mail yesterday (thank you Miller!) It's wonderful. I like it better than I liked her first CD (and admittedly, I wasn't a huge fan of her first CD. This one seems...quite beautiful actually. Reading: TWoP recaps. Will start my next book this weekend probably. Recently Saw: Caving in to peer pressure, I did tune into the new Joe Millionaire last night. That dude is a huge 'tard. And those women are...well...whorey. And annoying. So, obviously I'm going to have to keep watching. Also - the premiere of "Skin" which was better than I thought it was going to be but still taking itself too seriously and I could do without all the Matrix-y camera shots. Still - I definitely enjoyed myself while watching it, and djb is recapping, so...another keeper. (As a side note - the OC is back on starting next Wednesday night. It's on at the same time as the Bachelor - so some taping will need to occur. But still....WAHOO!! OC!!) |
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