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Steps
Two steps forward, three steps back . (Do I even need to tell you how hard it was to resist a Paula Abdul reference there?) I�m okay but I�m not okay. I�m angry but I�m not angry. I�m sad but I�m not sad. I feel as though I�ve been spinning in circles for more than a week now and I�m not going anywhere but down. I�m craving changes because this transitional period is killing me. I need to figure myself out. I need to figure others out. I need to figure out what is happening right now. I need to get my head on straight and more than anything I need to take 3 steps back from everything that is spinning so wildly out of control right now because it doesn�t concern me and I have no business being involved in it. Easier said than done. I don�t want to be this negative person. I have nothing but negative things to say so I will refuse to say them from now on. �I liked it so much better when you were a silent witness to all of this�� she says. I know she�s joking. I laugh at it because it�s funny. Only when I get further away from it does it start to make sense to me. I have nothing positive to bring to this � to any of this. Not just to her but to everyone else in similar situations. I have nothing positive to give � so why am I still here? The negativity is suffocating me. �I will not allow you to feel bad tonight,� my roommate says as she takes the phone out of my hands. �We need a movie. We need to escape from this reality for a while�� and so we do. We eat chocolate brownies and watch old Dawson�s Creek tapes and for a couple of hours I get to be the happy-go-lucky person I had almost forgotten I could be. I�m not the negative friend, I�m not bitching about something or doling out worst case scenarios. I am not scolding anyone and nobody is hesitant to talk to me. I hear people talk about how I�m so easy to talk to. I hear people say they like me. I hear them demand for me to meet them out even when I feel like hibernating until this hurricane blows through. I�m fun again and I can breathe more easily. I want to hang on to this�I want to stay this person and I want to keep this feeling and I have no idea how. I need to let go. I have no idea what I need to let go of. Too many balls in the air. Which ones are okay to drop? Which ones will shatter? Which ones will sink me in the end? Two steps forward. Three steps back. I need to find me.
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NAVIGATE
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