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Cable Woes
I just decided that working the "late shift" (which at my office means 5 p.m.) is really not so bad. I've been dreading it, since I usually get off at 4 p.m., but this last hour is actually quite calming. It's also a GREAT time to update my journal. Although, judging by my last entry, all this peaceful calm brings out the emotional sap in me. Anyhow, I still don't have fucking cable. It should be installed tomorrow morning (provided they didn't put a huge *BITCH* next to my name in their database and take it out of rotation. Although, apparently, they're automatically computer generated - these work requests. At least that's the story *I* was told when I flipped out on them last week.) I suppose I should probably tell the story of last week, lest I sound like that girl (y'know, who calls up and bitches at the poor telephone operator who's only job is to ANSWER PHONES - because somewhere along the line the cable company fucked up and that girl got fucked over. So now? EVERYONE. MUST. PAY.) No. I really just had a panic attack last Friday because I realized that while the cable was still ON at my home, it wasn't ON in MY name, and it could be shut off at any time. All the good shows started this past week (Dude. M.C. Hammer!) and I wanted to be sure I'd be able to indulge in my most pathetic luxury. Sooooo I called up and talked to the cable rep. We'll call her Kimmy. Kimmy tells me that cable is unfuckingbelievably expensive, I'll have harvest eggs to sell in order to pay the monthly payments, and also? They can't come for a week. A what? I gasped. (No really. I did.) A WEEK? DUDES?! YOU FLIP A SWITCH??? You think we don't know that by now? You come to our house and you flip a goddamn switch. It takes your people a WEEK to get to my house IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN to flip a switch? Jesus H. All I did was gasp though. Softly even! So Kimmy says, "wellllll...let me take a looksee at the account. Can I get your name, date of birth, social security number, first day of your last menstrual cycle and a sample of your last bowel movement please? Just to verify that you are who you say you are, of course." Um. ok. So 15 minutes later Kimmy is all "OH! Oh this is great! Your cable hasn't been cut off yet! As a courtesy to you, we would will leave your cable hooked up until we can get there next week to flip the swi..er...*install* the cable in your name..." YAY!! I love you Kimmy! I love cable! I love cable companies! I will gladly harvest my eggs for thee! Soooo...that evening I returned home to find my sister sitting glassy eyed in front of a blue screen, my vast collection of movies tossed haphazardly about the livingroom floor. "The cable. Gone." She managed to slur. "WHAT?" I shrieked. "Cable. Gone. Oh my God. I watched. ALL. of Anne of Green Gables today. And also? ALL. of Anne of Avonlea." "Are you fucking kidding me? Turn the TV on. No. Click it to the cable. Maybe it was a fluke. They TOLD me they'd leave it on. They SAID it was a courtesy to me! A valued customer! DAMMIT WE'RE IN LOVE!" Psssshhhhhht. No cable. M O T H E R F U C K E R S. I immediately lunged at the phone, determined to whip someone's sorry ass with my tongue (ew--that came out wrong). Then I remembered I have no phone book. And also? There's only one cable company in like the entire midwest. Chances are they don't give a fuck if I have to live without cable for 7 days. Even if I cry. I finally called them on Sunday, when the panic set in again. This time I talked to "Habib" (this is just a guess. His name actually sounded a bit more like Blueheimen...or more acurrately blhhmmnr) who asked if he could call me Michelle, and then proceeded to call me ma'am throughout the entire conversation. See - Michelle is okay. I don't prefer it, but it's my given name and it's what appears on all my bills and whatnot, so if I don't give a flying fuck about you, you can call me Michelle and we'll leave it at that. Ma'am? Jesus. NO dude. You may NOT call me Ma'am. What am I? Grandma Moses here? "Miss," if you must. But fucking "Ma'am???" Anyhow, Habib informs me that my cable has been disconnected. Thank you Habib. So I explain again that they were going to leave it on as a courtesy until they could come "install" it. Habib informs me that my cable has been disconnected. Thank you, again, Habib. So again with the story about the courtesy. And again Habib tells me that it was disconnected, only this time he adds WHEN it was disconnected. Friday. Y'know. When I called. And they said they'd leave it on? As a courtesy. To me. Finally, weary of this circular conversation, I ask Habib if he's telling me that I'm out of luck?" "Ma'am, I'm sorry ma'am." Oh Jesus. Kick me while I'm down, why don't you. So I then ask Habib, quite nicely, if he will just send a memo to the people there asking them to please not appease customers by telling them that they'll be receiving good things as a courtesy from the cable company if, in actuality, no such courtesy will be extended. In fact, not only will no such courtesy be extended, but the cable company will do everything in its power to make sure that it is as big of an inconvenience as it possibly can be, and the cable company employees actually get a bigger commission if they make us cry. "Yes ma'am. I apologize ma'am." And before he could ask me if I was happy with this phone call (as Kimmy did, which I thought was rather odd - but I was in love with Kimmy then, so I just shouted "OH YES!! SO HAPPY!") I hung up on Habib. I proceeded to stomp my feet and holler really loud. In any case, the cable is supposed to be installed tomorrow. Tonight is my TV night (Dawson's Creek and the Bachelorette - it's like visual crack supplied by the entertainment industry.) I am headed over to my MOM's house after work in order to watch my shows tonight. My mom had a birthday on Monday. I couldn't be bothered to drive over there on Monday and wish her a happy birthday. I can, however, muster the energy to drive all the way out to her house *tonight* to give her her present (new undies!) and watch my shows. And, of course, bring my doggie (Oliver) so he can play with her doggie (Ellie) and he won't be bored and stare at me accusingly for hours and hours. My point is--I'm so excited about TV tonight! Wooo!!! Yay TV! |
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