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Tonight I am Your Captain
- Miguel looking at me with the bedroom eyes and saying "You know there�s one thing we have to do before we leave here tonight?" and then nodding all seductive like to the "Buck Hunter" game. As a general rule, I am not a fan of the New Years holiday. That is not to say that I�ve never had a good New Years because there are at least two in recent history that stick out in my mind as the most fun social events of ever. I think I just don�t deal well with the pressure. Where to go? What to do? Who to go with? Will there be anyone to kiss? Is kissing expected? Do I dress up? Do I dress down? Ultimately, the holiday is almost always a huge letdown and in recent years I�ve started to prefer to not make a big deal out of it and to stay in with movies and snacks rather than venturing out where all the pressure lies. Plus? Snacks. In any case, my plans for this year are up in the air. While last year I had a complete breakdown when Sarah T. refused to commit to plans at least a week in advance, this year I am joining her in her ambivalence. I am perfectly content with the idea of staying home and watching movies and eating snacks, but I�m not ruling out a last minute burst of festiveness that will have me donning my glitter pants and heading for the bad bar. I�ve been a rock star lately. My spirits are high. This could be my year. We�ll see. So, 2004 is drawing to a close. I won�t say that I�m not happy to see it go, even though I also know that it wasn�t an entirely bad year. I do think, however, that it was one of my "growing" years � which is to say that it was overall, a rather painful year. I started to come to terms with a lot of stuff about myself, about my family, and about my friends. I made some decisions that are going to affect the direction that my life takes from here on out, and some decisions that have altered that direction completely. I lost my first family member and struggled to deal with both my first exposure to death and the underlying feelings about my relationship with that side of my family. I think it�s safe to say that I�ve finally come to some sort of peace with that and I�ve put a lot of my anger behind me. I�m learning, still, that none of us are perfect and while certain things may hurt me, that doesn�t necessarily make them about me and at the end of the day I have just got to let that stuff go. It�s too heavy to carry, and nothing good ever comes of it. I have big plans for 2005. I am excited. I totally slacked off on "Operation Get Healthy" in 2004 (I�m going to blame vast amounts of emotional stress on that one even though I knew what I was doing the whole time) so 2005 will bring "Operation Get Healthy (Again � For Real This Time)" and I�m excited about it. I�m ready to take back control here. In addition to getting back on track with my health, there are a million things on my plate. 2005 will be my 10 year high school reunion (or anti-reunion as the case may be) and early talk indicates that Miguel and Matthieu have big big plans for this. Dates have not been set, but I know it�s looming out there. Also in 2005 my second oldest friend in the world is getting married. I�ve been asked to be a part of this wedding and I�m honored and excited about this. I�m so happy for her. I�m so excited about this. There is, of course, a trip to Europe in the near future. Dates are not set in stone but will fall sometime in either May or July. I�m looking at a two week block of time and I�m hoping to make the most of it. It�s a once (well�twice) in a lifetime opportunity and I�m determined to make the most of it. In addition to those three big things (those are my big events) I�m hoping to squeeze a trip in to North Carolina and possibly Las Vegas. We�ll see� My point is that I�m going to be pro-active about making 2005 GOOD for me. I know there�s a lot more growing to be done and a lot more heartache to go through, but I also know that life will still go on and in the end, it�s true, I�m the only one responsible for my happiness. I�m not sure if I�m ready for it yet, but I�m more than ready to try. Happy New Year everyone! Peace. |
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