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Promises Made
I did something today that I�ve never done before� I deleted an entry. I made a promise to myself once that I would never do that. This promise, however, has been overridden by another promise I have made to myself regarding this journal: I will never use this journal to communicate with someone I am otherwise too cowardly or otherwise unable to communicate with in person. This diary will not be an enabler of passive/aggressive tendencies within myself. I forget, sometimes, that this diary is about me. I find myself writing in ways that I think will please other people, or leaving stuff out of entries that I think is going to offend someone. I need to stop that. It�s okay for me to communicate with people I have no other way of communicating with here and it�s okay for me to communicate overtly with people I know will not object to being communicated with here � but it is not okay for me to communicate my issues with people who I am perfectly capable of contacting one on one with just because I think they might be reading this and will somehow get a better understanding of how I�m feeling right now. That�s a really cheap move of mine. Hopefully there will be no more of that in the future. I�m on guard for it now. The gist of what I was trying to say in the deleted e-mail is that I�m trying to let go of my anger (and if you�re curious as to how that�s going, you can check with Sar). I�ll get better at it as the days go by. It�s something I�m working through behind the scenes here. It�s something that�s taking me around a bend in the road and I�ve been fighting it and now I have to stop. I�m not good with change. I�ve never claimed to be. I�m even less good at dealing with change that happens around me and yet without me. It scares me and it takes me a while to catch up with it, but in the end I�m usually better for it. Just when I start thinking I�m all grown up, I find myself in a situation I�ve never been in before and discover that I�m still just a bratty kid after all. I�m working on it though. In the meantime�did y�all know that they make Peanut Butter Toast Crunch now?
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