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What Might Have Been
Sure I think about you now and then But it's been a long long time I've got a good life now I've moved on so when you cross my mind I try not to think about what might have been cuz that was then and we have taken different roads we can't go back again there's no use givin' in and there's no way to know... what might have been. *** Dear Ex, I wonder, sometimes (more often than I'd like to actually) if I'm ever going to hear from you again. You promised I would. You knew - better than anyone ever really has probably - how mistrusting I can be, so you asked me to trust you and then swore to me that I'd hear from you again. It's not that I'm angry about it - or even sad really. It's just that I wonder what happened to you. I wonder if the life you set out for is the life you wound up with. I hope it is. I wonder if you think about us, if you ever find yourself telling stories about the lifetime that we lived together. I wonder if you still have a picture of Oliver with his "Rocky" black eye tucked away in your wallet. I think it's safe to say that I'm not in love anymore. I think it's also safe to say that I still love you. The differences between the two are minute to the naked eye, but they're important. I wouldn't do now what I did then, but I don't regret for one second anything that I did back then. There's so much I want to tell you. I moved away. Oliver grew up and he doesn't poop on the floor anymore. I bought a house and am planning a trip to Germany next spring. I haven't been in love with anyone since you walked out the door, but I think that's more about what life has dealt me than it is about any unresolved issues I have with you. I suppose the not hearing from you is a good thing. Maybe for you. Probably for me. I guess if I'm honest with myself I know I'm not ready to hear about it if all your dreams have come true. I know I'm not ready to hear about it if you're married and have kids now. It's not because I still want you for myself, don't get me wrong, but mostly it's because I don't want to know that I laid the groundwork for someone else...again. I miss you sometimes though. I miss the friend I had - particularly at the beginning...and then again at the end. The last time we saw each other - with the bowling and the burritos as big as our heads and then the slumber party that ended with me calling in sick the next day because even though it was over between us, I wanted to savor every last minute. Sitting companionably on the couch watching trashy dating show after trashy dating show, and then...the promise. It's true - you never broke a promise to me the whole time we were together, even if that's only because you never made very many of them, so I suppose I can forgive you for breaking this one. I'm gonna keep waiting though...because I always believed in you, even if I didn't know how to show it. Love, Shelly |
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