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Ornery Ol' Bitch
Yesterday I completed the transition from hip and happenin� 20-something to crotchety old bitchface. I actually said, out loud, in a public area � �I really wish people would control their kids!!!!� and then proceeded to roll my eyes uncontrollably at the people the comment was directed at (a reflex that, I�m pretty sure, belongs to the twelve year old). I went to puppysitting place. I took Oliver. The moment he launched himself out of my car these two little ragamuffins were tripping over themselves to get up close to pet him. Now - I know that my dog isn�t going to rip a tiny kids face off, but the parental supervisors of the tiny kids had no idea and my dog, all 85 pounds of him, was not on his leash. I called out to the thoroughly unconcerned parental figures that it was okay, the dog was nice, and then called to Oliver to sit down so the little girls could pet him. The little girls proceeded to shriek their fool heads off every time he moved which, in turn, scared Oliver into fetal �nervous peeing� position. Older Little Girl: What�s he doing? Me: He�s scared. Older Little Girl: How come? Me: Because you screamed in his face. Oliver: *Approaches cautiously* Older Little Girl: *Screams in his face while lifting her arms for me to pick her up* Younger Little Girl: *Screams with her sister while lifting her arms for me to pick her up* Me: *Desperate and furious looks at the parental figures who are now shamelessly flirting with the new redneck neighbor. I finally disentangled myself enough to go in the house to pick up puppysitting puppy. All 90+ pounds of him. I was hoping that my disappearance into the house would encourage the ragamuffins to run away, however, it did not. I hooked puppysitting puppy to his leash to keep him from pouncing on the small children and cautiously kicked the door open. Older Little Girl: *Screams in dogs faces* Younger Little Girl: *Screams some more* Oliver: *sticks tail between legs and runs away* Puppysitting puppy: *rears up on hind legs in order to launch himself forward in a move that causes severe rope burn across my palms* New Redneck Neighbor�s Dog: *Nudges living room window open and pounces on top of Puppysitting Puppy* Parental Figures: *Flirt shamelessly and obliviously with new redneck neighbor* So now I�m pissed. Not only am I watching my dog and Puppysitting puppy, but apparently I�m taking care of NRND and babysitting the two ragamuffins as well. At this point Puppysitting Puppy decides to take off for the parking lot with NRND who is very cute but very naughty. In a panic I begin pushing on the shock collar with reckless abandon until, seconds later, Puppysitting puppy comes gasping around the corning with a defeated little whine cry. Ragamuffins: *scream* NRND: *knocks ragamuffins over* Ragamuffins: *scream louder and hold out hands to be lifted up* Parental Figures: *Finally walk over to pick up their loud little children � not once thanking me for the half hour of babysitting I�ve just performed or apologizing for the fact that they were allowed to breed in the first place* Exhausted from all the commotion (and frankly a little frightened by the uncharacteristic naughtiness of puppysitting puppy) I decide to take the dogs inside. New Redneck Neighbor: *apropos of nothing* I have no idea how I�m gonna cook this fuckin� chicken. Me: *blank stare* You don�t know how to make chicken? NRN: Well. It�s a whole fuckin� chicken *does universal hand signal for �whole fuckin� chicken* Me: Oh. Whole fuckin� chicken. Wow. NRN: *distracted by the not even nearly scantily clad teenagers walking across the street* Oh. HELLO. Come here little asian princess� Me: *hairy eyeball* Oh Jesus. Good luck with your chicken dude. Door: *slam*
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