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Reckless
I used to love with reckless abandon. I used to just latch on and give with my whole heart. I used to, even when I knew it was going to end in disaster, throw myself into it and live moment to moment reveling in the good that was there and turning a blind eye to the bad things lurking at the edges. There was always bad stuff. I know it now, obviously, but I knew it then too. I just didn't care. Back then, the love I felt was worth it. LOVE was worth it. It wasn't about where it was going to get me 10 years down the road, it was all about the way it made me feel at right that moment. Dancing to silence in a parking garage. Giggling at cartoons in bed. Fishing in the rain. I don't know when that changed. I never wanted to be the kind of person who would advice safety over impulse. I never wanted to be the kind of person who held on to her heart. Now? I don't want to be anything other than that. That's not to say my heart isn't available. It's just not as free as it used to be. I choose more carefully now. Sometimes, in the heat of an argument about why something isn't a good idea because it will probably end badly and it will probably end ugly, I miss the girl who threw her heart into things regardless of what the outcome would be. |
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