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stream of consciousness
Butterflies kind of creep me out. Is that strange? I don't know what it is about them, but I'm definitely not fond of them. In other news, I took some time to rest this weekend. It's interesting because there was a time in my life when I could party 6 nights a week and keep going strong - now it appears that two Saturday nights in a row have the power to knock me out for an entire week. It felt good to lay around in my jammies and watch girl movies (and the season finale of the O.C. which I had to tape as Wednesday night I was busy dorking out to Guster. The finale, by the way, made me want to kill myself.) Friday night my future roomie and I got Dairy Queen delights and then tried to stay awake through "Love, Actually". Last night was a repeat minus the Dairy Queen and plus "Chasing Liberty" which wasn't Mandy Moore's best work. That sounded ridiculous, I know. I'm a (not so) super closeted Mandy Moore fan. After the movie we debated throwing in "Girl with a Pearl Earring" but decided it would probably require more concentration than we could muster at that point and so instead launched ourselves into a rousing of rendition of "Guys: The sucky, the insane and why I'm going to die alone," a conversation inspired by the guy Bear met last weekend who went from "pretty cool" to "raving lunatic" in the span of one week when he decided to call her FORTY SIX TIMES on Friday night. I'm pretty impressed that the guy from "Swingers" is alive and well out there and that someone so close to me has managed to stumble upon him. I'm also, as always, a little concerned about how difficult it is to find someone normal, responsible, and relationship ready. It's been three years since I was in a serious relationship. I dated for a bit after that relationship ended, but eventually that died down as well. It's been a year since I was on a date. I was thinking last night about how surprised I would have been three years ago to know that there wouldn't be a relationship on my horizon for so long afterwards. At the time the relationships seemed to be coming in pretty steadily and I think there was a part of me that took for granted that, after a very slow start at this, the relationships would just keep coming in my adult life until I found someone that stuck. I'm not sure what caused my well to dry up - if perhaps I just missed my chance to catch my man before the big marriage rush or if something inside of me just changed and made me unapproachable and picky to the point of being snobby. I don't have a lot of physical "must haves" but there are a lot of personality characteristics I can't (and won't) tolerate anymore. On the one hand, good for me for setting standards. on the other hand - have I let those standards get out of control? I've recently shut a guy I cared a lot for out of my life. I felt like he was half-assing our friendship and it wasn't enough for me. He's in a relationship right now and my theory is that once things get serious in a relationship, there's usually not room for close friends of the opposite sex. I like to beat people to the punch, often at my own expense. I'm wondering now when I should open the lines of communication back up - if I should at all. There's a sort of "what's the point?" mentality in my whole line of thinking and the thing is that I can't find the point. At all. What's the point of opening myself back up to something that isn't satisfying to me? On the other hand, what's the point of tossing a (previously really good) friendship aside simply because my needs aren't being met right now? Am I too hard on people? Do I expect too much? Is this why I'm single? This is the stuff that goes on at my "girls night in" pseudo-slumber parties. I wish I could say that there were lots of pillow fights in our underwear and scorching games of "truth or dare" but mostly they turn into some philosophical search for what makes us tick. It's an ongoing search with no easy conclusions, but I'm happy to be working on it. My train of thought derailed somewhere about halfway through this entry and it became pretty stream-of-consciousness so I apologize if it's disjointed. Easy come easy go with the coherent thoughts these days... |
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