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Honestly
I don't talk about my religion or my faith in this diary like...ever. Mostly because it's a very personal thing that also happens to be highly controversial and I'm not interested in defending what I believe. I just believe it and nothing is going to shake that - ever. I also try to keep this thing marginally lighthearted - but frankly the funny has taken an extended vacation and I'm going through something pretty dark right now. I don't have the energy to pretend like everything is okay because I've been fairly miserable lately and it's hard to laugh about that all the time. I've always claimed to have an "artist's soul" in that I'm moody and emotional. I become depressed fairly easily though I'll rarely admit it to those outside of my intimate circle. I think a lot. I prefer to be alone a lot. I don't love or hate halfway - both emotions ignite an extreme passion in me. I become lost very easily. I've been lost lately. Things are not right here. I'm alone too much and there are few other alternatives. Being single doesn't bother me. Being alone does. There are few people I can trust and even fewer people I can count on. It has occurred to me - on more than one occasion lately - that I'm well on my way to becoming a bona fide recluse. This was never my intention. I never meant to wind up on this road. I don't even know where to start to begin to fix it. Except I do. I know exactly where to start. I just haven't had the courage to do it. Every major life change I have ever made has come only after torturous periods of time involving self reflection and life assessment. It's only when I cannot bear to take the situation as it is any longer that any change is made. It's just a part of who I am - resistant to change, introspective, and always (always) scared. I saw "The Passion of the Christ" with my family this afternoon. To say this movie changed my life would be trite and cliche. The movie is almost unbearably powerful to me. I cried through most of it, sobbed through the hardest parts, and the deafening silence of the theater when the house lights came on literally took my breath away. This movie touched me - there's no doubt about it - and it gave me a gentle push in a direction I'd already been headed. I believe in God. I always have. Even when my belief in the Church as an instition was tossed out the window, there was never a question to me that God was with me. I believe in the entire Apostle's Creed (namely the Nicene Creed) minus the whole Catholic Church thing. Until, maybe, now. I don't know if Catholicism is for me. It's how I was raised and I take great comfort in the ritual of the Catholic mass. I believe that most of the Catholic Church's basic beliefs are well intentioned, but I don't believe everything the Catholic Church tells me I should believe. This is what drove me away from the church in the first place. As I've struggled through this latest dark place I have wondered many times if perhaps I wasn't missing the point. The God I believe in is about love - plain and simple. He sent his only son to prove his love to the world and that son loved whores and lepers just as much as he loved the pure and virtuous. He loved his friends and his enemies. He loved more than I am even capable of understanding which became clear to me during the Crucifixion scene of The Passion of the Christ when he asks God to forgive his murderers for they know not what they do. I just kept thinking that perhaps they don't know that they're killing the son of God but they sure as Hell know that they're torturing a human being and I don't care what your religious affiliation is, that is wrong, so nice try Jesus. I don't understand that kind of love and forgiveness, but I'm not supposed to. It's part of the mystery and awesomeness of Jesus. It's beyond my comprehension. What's important is that I believe. Faith requires some suspension of belief and I do have faith - an abundance of it. If God sent Jesus to teach the world about love, then it seems silly for a church to teach anything but love - love for all people, no matter what. So, what point am I missing? Perhaps one that involves the church being a community of people who believe, for the most part, the same things I believe. The church being perhaps a sort of surrogate family with whom I am allowed to disagree, but who I can embrace anyway. I think I need to do this. I think I need to go back to church. I don't know if I'm ready, I'm not sure the place I am right now is unbearable yet but it's getting there and changes will be made. I want to choose a different road and I think I need to find a road that fosters my faith and encourages my beliefs. I need to meet new people and I think I need to meet new people who feel the same way about God and Jesus and the message they have imparted to us. It's not a flawless institution. I'll always have issues with the church, but perhaps I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater and it's certainly a worthy road to investigate. I think I'm about to start a journey... |
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