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New Boyfriend
The dog I puppysit for bit me on the lip last night. He also scratched my cheek and my nose. In other words, I am sexy today. I also met the dog owners neighbor last night. It was like 7:30 p.m. and he was drunk/high as FUCKALL. He had opened his front window and his dog jumped out of it (what? I don't know.) so his dog and puppysitting dog were playing outside and he's sitting inside and going "SAM! GETTHEFUCK BACK IN HERE! SAM! GET IN HERE." But nobody ever came outside to get him so I got confused and walked over to the window and some mealy dude with long hair is standing there all confused like and I'm like "um, your dog is just out here playing with puppysitting dog" and mealy dude takes a moment to focus on me and is like "dude. I just wanted to look out the window." Okayyyy. Then he turned around and bellowed into the house "dude. Your dog is out there fuckin' around with some other dog. Woah." Woah indeed. So I watched the dogs until the other dog finally jumped back through his window (!). I then decided that puppysitting dog had had enough excitement for one evening, so I started to take him in the apartment. As I was unlocking dogowners door the door across the hall flew open and a fairly cute but completely wasted guy stumbled out bellowing �HEY! Can you do me a huge FUCKIN� favor?� Um�that depends� �Will you call my PHONE so I can FIND the fuckin� thing?� I asked him to hang on a second while I tried to find the phone in an apartment that�s not mine. While I entered the apartment I heard him screaming his number at me, �538-4fuckinblahbloo shit. 538-4�dude, what the fuck�s my number?� Turns out, dogowner doesn�t own a land line, there was no sign of a cell phone and I had left my own phone at home. I had to break the news to the charming man in the hallway. �There�s no phone in this apartment and I left my own at home. I�m really sorry�� �Aw. Shit. Fuckin� � I�m goin� upstairs. (sticking head into his own apartment) DIPSHIT! LISTEN FOR THE PHONE!� Needless to say, the encounter left me all warm and fuzzy inside. In the part of my brain that automatically (and uncontrollably) determines whether every single guy I ever meet ever is dateable, this guy failed miserably. My exact thought process went something like this. Oh hey - cute! And a dogowner too! And...I'd say...mid to late 20s. Not bad! Oy. Mealy long haired friend dude. Oh...wow...super drunk. And if the eyes are any indication...high on something. And...well...it's only 7:30 p.m. and it's WEDNESDAY. Um... LANGUAGE! MY EARS! Is he kidding me with this? Fuck off dude. Sober up, get off the whatever it is you're hopped up on right now, find your fucking phone and then get back to me and we'll see... Of course, neighbor dude didn't want to DATE me. He just wanted me to help him find his phone. But still...if he DID want to date me, he's already been cast out of the dating pool. Sucks to be him. Oh. I am sad. Listening To: Suspended by Matt Nathanson cuz it's my new fave. Reading: Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman Recently Saw: The OC last night. My offer still stands for Seth Cohen. How swoony was the kissing booth scene? I also caught the last half of the Bachelorette. She picked Ian. Oh my. This is bound to be disasterous.
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