The Better Part of Me...

Guess Who's Back?
2007-01-09 @ 1:11 p.m.

Oh my God I really just need to pick a site and stick with it.

I know.

It�s not that I do New Year�s resolutions or anything, but I feel like I need to make a commitment to myself to get this writing thing back off the ground. It doesn�t have to be anything fancy like I keep trying to tell myself that it does, but I should at least try. No time like the present, right?

The past two years have been incredibly tumultuous. I guess I always figured that you meet the man you�re going to marry and everything else just falls into place and then there�s a happily ever after. It doesn�t work like that, turns out, at least it didn�t for me. Todd came along and turned my whole life upside down. I was unceremoniously kicked out of the singles club and while I was embraced warmly into the couples club, man � I miss my single friends. I spent a lot of years being single. Almost my whole life. If I had paid more attention, I�d probably have seen it coming, Lord knows I�ve kicked my fair share of people out of the single�s club, but I guess I never thought that would be me. I mean, honestly - I never really thought I�d ever be the one having the wedding. It�s been hard enough to wrap my brain around the fact that this is it, I�m not just daydreaming about it anymore, I am actually planning a wedding in which I will be the bride. Add to the fact that the addition of Todd meant the subtraction of a few key players in my life and � I feel like I�ve been riding a rollercoaster for the past couple of years now. I hate rollercoasters.

In any case, there have been some growing pains. And there has been a lot of growing. I have had to, and continue to have to get over my own issues. I�ve had to put some things to rest in my head and in my heart. I�ve had to wrestle with some pretty huge guilt issues and forgive myself for being a gloriously and generously flawed human being, and then I�ve had to get over it. Well, I�ve had to try to get over it. I�m not over it yet. But almost�

I still miss my friends.

I�ve been making new ones though. I�m re-connecting with old ones. I�m making a new life out of the shell of my old one. It feels good. My life is headed in this whole new direction and I have never been so excited and terrified in my life. Marriage?! Marriage. OMG. MARRIAGE. I�m gonna be a WIFE! I�m going to have a HUSBAND! Are you kidding me? Oh man. This is going to be so much fun.

I turn 30 this year. That fact alone is absolutely insane to me. THIRTY? OLD PEOPLE are thirty. I am not thirty. Moms are thirty. I am not a mom. I cannot be thirty. It is not possible. I feel too young and stupid to be thirty. But � thirty I will be. And I�m kind of excited about it. I feel like I�m on the brink of some grand new adventure. I feel like it�s so fitting that I put to rest the last decade of my life while embarking on this whole wedded bliss thing. I feel so at peace with the meeting of these two milestones and, despite the guilt and the hurt I�ve felt while adjusting to the last couple of years, I feel like I made the right decision. I wish it had been easier, but it�s been so rewarding in its own right and I feel like maybe I am ready now to move past all that stuff I wanted to keep private so I could sort through and figure out and heal � and I�m ready to share again. Hopefully for good this time, but we will see.

Welcome to 2007. I�m in this for the long haul�

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