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Guess Who's Back?
Oh my God I really just need to pick a site and stick with it. I know. It’s not that I do New Year’s resolutions or anything, but I feel like I need to make a commitment to myself to get this writing thing back off the ground. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy like I keep trying to tell myself that it does, but I should at least try. No time like the present, right? The past two years have been incredibly tumultuous. I guess I always figured that you meet the man you’re going to marry and everything else just falls into place and then there’s a happily ever after. It doesn’t work like that, turns out, at least it didn’t for me. Todd came along and turned my whole life upside down. I was unceremoniously kicked out of the singles club and while I was embraced warmly into the couples club, man – I miss my single friends. I spent a lot of years being single. Almost my whole life. If I had paid more attention, I’d probably have seen it coming, Lord knows I’ve kicked my fair share of people out of the single’s club, but I guess I never thought that would be me. I mean, honestly - I never really thought I’d ever be the one having the wedding. It’s been hard enough to wrap my brain around the fact that this is it, I’m not just daydreaming about it anymore, I am actually planning a wedding in which I will be the bride. Add to the fact that the addition of Todd meant the subtraction of a few key players in my life and – I feel like I’ve been riding a rollercoaster for the past couple of years now. I hate rollercoasters. In any case, there have been some growing pains. And there has been a lot of growing. I have had to, and continue to have to get over my own issues. I’ve had to put some things to rest in my head and in my heart. I’ve had to wrestle with some pretty huge guilt issues and forgive myself for being a gloriously and generously flawed human being, and then I’ve had to get over it. Well, I’ve had to try to get over it. I’m not over it yet. But almost… I still miss my friends. I’ve been making new ones though. I’m re-connecting with old ones. I’m making a new life out of the shell of my old one. It feels good. My life is headed in this whole new direction and I have never been so excited and terrified in my life. Marriage?! Marriage. OMG. MARRIAGE. I’m gonna be a WIFE! I’m going to have a HUSBAND! Are you kidding me? Oh man. This is going to be so much fun. I turn 30 this year. That fact alone is absolutely insane to me. THIRTY? OLD PEOPLE are thirty. I am not thirty. Moms are thirty. I am not a mom. I cannot be thirty. It is not possible. I feel too young and stupid to be thirty. But – thirty I will be. And I’m kind of excited about it. I feel like I’m on the brink of some grand new adventure. I feel like it’s so fitting that I put to rest the last decade of my life while embarking on this whole wedded bliss thing. I feel so at peace with the meeting of these two milestones and, despite the guilt and the hurt I’ve felt while adjusting to the last couple of years, I feel like I made the right decision. I wish it had been easier, but it’s been so rewarding in its own right and I feel like maybe I am ready now to move past all that stuff I wanted to keep private so I could sort through and figure out and heal – and I’m ready to share again. Hopefully for good this time, but we will see. Welcome to 2007. I’m in this for the long haul… |
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